Hopeful?

I don’t really feel very hopeful at the moment. Actually all I feel is empty and numb and sad.

I sometimes feel a bit disassociated with my life. Like there is now way this is happening. Time is not moving on, I can’t keep up with it. I feel just a bit ‘outside’ all the time and it’s frustrating. I want to connect with people, with the world but I feel too numb and tired.

The anger has gone, the sharp stab you in the guts pain has gone too. I don’t really feel anything a lot of the time. I’m no longer feeling the  all consuming ‘sad’. I’m not really happy either. Things make me happy, my partner bought me flowers on Saturday and I felt really happy about that, but I don’t feel happy in quite the same way as I was when I was happy with life. 

Honestly the flowers were just the loveliest thing. Red tulips, and he gave me a vase jug and it’s just so so lovely but I sort of wanted to cry and not totally in a happy way and it was really weird.

Saturday morning and afternoon I felt really good. Almost sort of normal good. There were so many babies in the shop, and I was given the job of sorting out the kid and baby section and it didn’t hurt quite as much as it did before.

But then the evening hit, and all the sad I had been determinedly holding off in favor of my cheery mood hit like a freight train and it was like going back two months to the stage of grief where I couldn’t ever breathe properly. 

It hurt so much it felt like my heart was trying to get out of my chest, my throat was too tight at the back and I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. Just when I thought those days were over. On the three month mark I survived not spending the whole day with my partner, just the time we spent before he went for work. I got things done and I was sad but it wasn’t as bad as one or two months.I thought that better days were ahead and that I had got through the worst of it.

Now I sort of feel meh I don’t care what I’m wearing anymore, I haven’t worn make-up except when I’ve had to for weeks. I tried to do my nails but I couldn’t be bothered. They’re too long and chipped and uneven but I keep looking at them and hoping they’ll go away if I ignore them.

I keep trying to socialize but I don’t actually want to go out. I’m only doing it because all I want to do is sit and bury myself in homework so I don’t need to think, or lie in bed and stare at the celing and cry; and I know that’s not exactly healthy. Washing my hair is such a chore and nothing will go right with it and I’m just so done.

I want half term so that I can just try to catch up with everything and be able to not see anyone other than my family and partner if I don’t want too. I don’t want to go out anymore.

I can’t even be all that happy that one of the unis I have applied to has changed my offer from BCC to Unconditional so now I have two places that don’t require BCC to CCC grade achievements. 

I don’t want to go to uni in the same way I did before Emmet. I wanted them more, and now uni sort of feels like the consolation prize. 

‘Congrats you had a miscarriage, but at least it was in time that your pregnancy didn’t infringe on your exams or stop you going to university.’

Oh yayy! Lucky us. 

Maybe I was wrong about the anger being gone. I just found a bit of it. I’ll try to keep it. It’s better than being numb.

I will do my best to keep up the hoping.

Love and support always,

Surviving Miscarriage Together x