Today I found out that my ‘sister in law’ (sorta. We’ll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye.
When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so angry at the world and I missed Emmet.
They’re due some time around May or June. So just around when we should have been meeting Emmet we will be meeting their cousin Skye for the first time.
The first week was hell. I felt so selfish because I, renound baby clothes maker and adorer of children lacked my usual joy on new arrivals. I couldn’t help because everytime I picked up a knitting needle, or tried to pick wool or a pattern to sew I ended up crying for three hours straight (and I wish I was exaggerating I really do.) I almost hated them. How dare they have a baby so soon. How dare they make me look at a baby that’s going to look like the love of my life- and know I won’t ever see my baby to pick out the features they share. How dare they make me think about babies again. How dare they make me have to listen to Emmet’s Grandma be excited over grandbaby things and know they can’t see the gap.
I didn’t think that I could bear it. They will always be nearly the same age as Emmet, and I know I will look at Skye and think ‘would they have looked like that if they were a little girl’ and ‘would they laugh the same as their cousin’. But now I know that I can bear it.
This week I managed to put on my big girl panties and I bought a tiny stuffed lemur toy. Then I knitted a scarf.
I told myself that I have so much love for a baby, and as I can’t love mine quite the way I planned, then I can love this one a little bit more. – something my best friend, (who also cannot have children because of her health) told me she does with her baby cousin.
Now nearly a whole box of baby things later I’m in full swing.
I have found being able to have a happy thing to think about when I look at baby clothes and children’s toys is cathartic. I don’t have to look at that isle with dread and longing, I can walk right up, smile to myself and pick something up. Emmet will always be on my mind, but the stab has gone, although I don’t think the longing ever will.
I’m not part of the Mum’s with babies club, but I am part of the incredibly happy Aunt club, and I’m good at that job. Aunties are supposed to spoil nieces and nephews – I always have done and I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.
Looking at and making baby clothes does hurt. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t, but with each thing completed I do I feel myself heal just that little bit more. I know that there will be more moments like last friday where I sobbed for hours down the phone to my partner and damn near scared him to death, but I won’t let them rule my life.
Am I over compensating for what I’m missing. Yes. Without a doubt I am. But being excited over Skye and buying things to prepare for her arrival and to help out my in laws is helping me cope with loosing Emmet.
I cannot buy things for, or prepare for my baby because they will never come, but I can prepare for Skye. I can buy this tiny ‘New human’ as my partner and I dubbed her (before we knew she was a she) baby things. I can knit booties and hats and make summer dresses.
I can love this one just a little bit more.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x
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