5 happy things 7

1. Watching North and South made me smile. 2. It is spring and there is blossom everywhere. 3. It's warm enough to go without a coat. 4. Socks. I just love socks, I have a lovely thermal stripey pair on that I got last christmas. Toasty toes. 5. Tea in cafe's with people I love. 

Mother’s day looms

Mother's day looms. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm sort of stuck in limbo in regards to motherhood.  I'm not exactly happy about it. Normally I'm good at handmade cards for my Mother and Grandmothers, but this year I don't really want to have anything to do with it. I'd prefer to …

5 happy things 6

It's a bit late again. But here is last Sunday's 5 happy things: 1. Family meals 2. Cups of tea and biscuits  3. Spring bulbs 4. Hawthorn blossom the side of the motorway  5. I won a 3 pikachus and another pokemon I don't know the name of from the penny pushers at the arcade. I …

Scared to be there again

I spend my life now terrified. I'm scared of loosing another, scared of loving another. I'm scared because I know there is no right choice if I were to manage to carry a pregnancy to term.  Have a child that you know has a high chance of chronic illness or have an abortion. It's an …

The love of my life

On Friday 24th Feb I had an awful day, but as usual he knew exactly what to say to make me feel better, he said 'You're still standing at the end of the day. Something has gone right, you haven't given up.' He has been my rock throughout everything that we have been through together, …

That app

I deleted it just now. The pregnancy tracker app. I used it, even when there wasn't a them to track anymore because it made me feel closer to them, but I've realised that all it was doing was taking me away, because it wasn't real anymore. I haven't needed to look on it for a …

15 happy things (5 happy things post 5)

I'm a few weeks behind on my post/think  about 5 happy things a week resolution. So here goes 15 happy things, they make me happy and I am greatful for them: 1. I am greatful for my Partner, who has unfailingly stood by me. 2. I am greatful for my Mother, and her awful jokes. …

Trying to be greatful

Anxiety is kicking my butt. Hard. Exams and coursework deadlines are looming, and 5 anxiety attacks in under two weeks has not been fun. The Saturday before last I succeeded in having a mealt down choosing new glasses frames. I had to go for a walk and try again, so that was embarrassing.  My Mother …

Teen motherhood

There's a lot of stigma and bullcrap around Miscarriage and even more about teen pregnancy. The fact my pregnancy and miscarriage occurred in my 18th year should not mean I feel desperate shame and embarrassment but it does. This embarrassment meant that I did not go to the doctors when the bleeding started. It meant …