Scared to be there again

I spend my life now terrified. I’m scared of loosing another, scared of loving another. I’m scared because I know there is no right choice if I were to manage to carry a pregnancy to term.  Have a child that you know has a high chance of chronic illness or have an abortion. It’s an Impossible choice.

I’m on contraceptive pills but I’m terrified that they won’t work; probbably to the point of being a little over paranoid. What if that bad stomach day I had effected it? What if that day I was sick I didn’t wait long enough for the dose to build up again?

I’m being completely ridiculous, and I know it. I spent a long time discussing with various health professionals before coming to a choice that was write. My hormones are a tad wacky so no implants, can’t take some versions of the pill because they react with other meds I take or are known to exaserbate Joint hypermobility and dislocation.

I was assured, and have been assured more than once since starting the course that it is seriously fine and there’s less than an 1% chance so long as I always take them on time (not hard as I take so many other meds too, although only on two sets at the moment so miraculously low!). And I have made more than one appointment to check and discuss.

Yet still any random cramp or bout of nausia has me in a tizz. I don’t trust my body anymore, when I was really sick I didn’t trust it, but on a fundamental level I still held some belief in it. Sometimes it seems like this body is a mangled cage holding me in, other times like I have every freedom in the world. I don’t want to hope but I do.

When I miscarried it felt like my body had betrayed me, five years plus of near constant pain never made me feel like that.

This is irritating and is impacting my life. I just freak out sometimes I’m so scared of loosing another baby and just retreat away from my partner and it’s really hard to explain why.

(I know you’ll probbably read this at some point my love, and that’s why I’m writing it.)

I wish that there was always an easy way to say things. But sometimes there isn’t.

I know he promised me that even if I beg to try again he’d tell me ‘no’, because I’m scared that one day I won’t have the self control anymore to keep telling my heart what my head knows is for the best.

I know this journey will be long, but I just want a family of my own. The idea of waiting ten years feels like it doesn’t have an ending it’s so far away from where I am now.

I guess I’ll just have to learn a little patience.

Love and support always,

Surviving Miscarriage Together x

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