This one seems pretty apt today, I did plenty of crying yesterday, and my fair share today too.
The 22nd keeps getting closer and I can’t pretend that Emmets due date isn’t looming over me like a dark cloud. I just want it to be over, I am just on eggshells all the time. I want this to be over, I want exams to be over and I desperately want the break that summer offers. I want to read books that aren’t exam related. I want to sleep. I want to potter about in the garden and prepare to move out. But also, I don’t want that day to come. I never want it to come. I want to skip it.
I want to have a chance to finally process in my own time, everything that has happened since October. I have tried to push everything down to focus on exams and it’s taking its toll.
I cry a lot, I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t a cryer before October. I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to sad films, or books, or particularly emotional adverts… but now there are a million other things that make me cry as well.
Adverts with kids in. Babies. Cow and Gate adverts, pregnant women, mothers day adverts. The current onslaught of fathers day promotions. Thinking about the future. Kids clothes, some dinosaurs, pregnancy announcements. Nursery images on Pinterest. Pregnant jokes. Birthday cards. My baby cousins. My nieces and nephews, especially little A as she looks so much like my partner. Babies in the shop, babies on the bus, babies anywhere. Sorting the baby stock for the shop. Really tiny shoes and hats especially. Halloween, Christmas, Easter, all holidays that I imagined having with Emmet. The list goes on…
Honestly, fathers day is harder for me than mothers day was, it seems weird, but seeing fathers with sons and daughters, especially the ‘capture life’ adverts with the dad filming his wife and newborn together, or the okay Google advert with the tea party is harder than seeing the mothers day adverts.
I imagined my partner with them more than I imagined Emmet with me. I guess it is easier to imagine someone else? I don’t know. But seeing him hurting in some ways hurts more than my own pain.
I guess I haven’t got over blaming myself for it. Consciously I know I couldn’t have done anything, but then, grief doesn’t listen to reason does it. I still sort of feel like I am the reason that he won’t ever get to hold a baby of his own, especially Emmet. At least not for a long time yet. I’m the one with the health issues that effectively bar us for parenthood. Well me, he isn’t barred, except we stick together so yeah. It’s going to be a while till we have a life that is settled enough to even imagine adoption. I mean. I’m moving out so that’s a start.
So yeah. Fathers day is making me cry. I hate hate hate hate seeing god damn adverts with dads and babies.
It sucks balls.
I hope everybody else is alright for Sunday.
Best if luck and lots of love.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x