Day 16. Sunshine 🌞 #MWAH2017

Today’s prompt is sunshine.

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You are my Sunshine – Ricky Nelson

Finding sunshine after Emmet was difficult. For a while the world seemed very dark, there wasn’t the sunshine of a great man singing while I sat on his lap sneaking digestives to dunk in his tea, where felt like nothing in the world could ever go wrong. He died when I was 11 and a lot of the safety went with him and the sunshine. 

It took a long time to find again, but then I met the boy wearing dorky combat trousers) who would turn out to be the man of my dreams, and I did get it back, a softer, more fragile light.

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I’m still trying to find the sunshine that I lost after Emmet.  Sometimes there are chinks through the clouds, sometimes there are big rays. Like my partners ridiculous smile when he meets a cat in the street to be petted. My eldest nephews hard elbows as he launches for a hug. The tentative headbut from my newest bird, which is an improvement on the biting that the cat is still wary of. Going roumd and round with my arms out on one of those fairground hanging chairs that fly out on chains and you feel like superman. Lie ins on sundays where my partners dog tries to squidge in between us and demands stomach rubs. Days where we wake up slowly and bumble down to the kitchen to make fruit tea. 

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I try to think good thoughts, try not to get bogged down in the rainy days. Yet some days are hard and it feels like my soul is crying. Raining. 

I sometimes wish I could scream out a storm. Let the dark clouds out and just scream and scream like the wind that used to howl past the window of the boat that my dad lived on. It used to slice through the gaps in the sealing that he never fixed, sleeping on the half finished top bunk that was never whole. In the winter it used to slice like knives through a too thin sleeping bag because my litttle brother had my blankets and he would cry if he woke up cold in the night.

Grief feels like those awful slices of wind through the broken window, no amount of blankets will take it away. Only sunshine can fix it. Only good weather. Time fixes storms, if you wait long enough there will be sunshine. 

I know that only time can heal this grief, but storms leave their marks, broken branches, with jagged spilinters like a broken heart. The tree sends signals through its bark and sap seeps like tears to fix the tear where the  broken branches were, the tree continues to grow, but you can find the evidence of where the branches once were. 

I feel like this storm is like that too. Sometimes there is sunshine. Sometimes there is rain, but now it feels like my heart is a bit like that tree branch. It got a lot of bashing in the storm, but I’m using the sunshine and trying to fix my heart. 

So go get your sunshine people, even if it is from a youtube recording of Ricky Nealson. Go get good weather!

Love and support always, 

Surviving MiscarriageTogether x

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