Day 29. Light #MWAH2017

Light.

I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out. 

Source survivingmiscarrigetogether.

Source survivingmiscarrigetogether.

Sometimes you need light after the darkness when you have suffered from Baby loss. For me it is often candles, or hugs and cups of tea. Sunny days and walks and spoiling my Nieces and Nephews. 

For other people it is Rainbow babies, but that isn’t something that really applies to me. I’m guessing they still count if you adopt, but that could very well be 5-10 years away.

Now, I understand that every analogy falls apart at some point because it’s just that: an analogy.  Something to help us understand a complex concept.  And this one really is a beautiful nod to the joy a healthy baby brings after the suffering that is losing a baby.

But the ways in which the idea falls short have been pricking at my heart.

What’s a Storm?

The babies we lost, the babies people lose every day, are more than a storm.  They’re more than a rough patch of life.  A financial difficulty, a health scare, a season of child rearing difficulty:  those things are storms.  Those are hard things and their significance shouldn’t be downplayed, but they eventually resolve (or at the very least, don’t involve loss of life).  Then we can celebrate the rainbow of financial security, good health, or a renewed relationship that follows.

Losing a child has no resolution.  There’s no event, not even the birth of another child wished for, that can absolve the lingering effects of surrendering a baby to death.  It simply cannot be.

– flanelgraphs.com

I both love and loathe the Angel baby and Rainbow baby troupe. I like the euphemism Angel baby in place of ‘baby I miscarried’ as it frankly just sounds better. But I also hate the saccharine nature of the whole thing. It can get a little barf worthy, and I really am sorry if that’s totally your thing and I have offended you. I just struggle a bit with the whole concept. 

My light after loss isn’t going to be another pregnancy, another baby. At the minute it is education, it has to be, I feel like I owe it to Emmet to suceed now, as the only reason I can, is because he didn’t get to stay, but that is a rant or story for another blog post. 

Rainbow Degree sounds a bit shit right… 

But none the less, education means hopefully a degree, which means hopefully work that pays well, that I can do despite my health; and a job that pays well means a house, and a home suitable to house a family is a stepping stone to adoption. A stepping stone to settling.

I hope you all find some light today. 

Love and support always, 

Surviving Miscarriage Together x 

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