Triggers. And why they are weird.

When I say trighers I mean for me, the ‘Triggers’ of anxiety/panic attacks, bouts of crying, and the undeniable urge to flee.

Late night showers.

I avoided them until last week actually unless I was either with my partner, or he was in the room having a chat. Sorry Love, I sort of lied and said it was because I didn’t like sleeping with wet hair, which I don’t, but I hate showering if I can see dark out the window. Big N.O.
I ran to the shower and was there for hours in the middle if the night knowing it was dark outside when I first realised I was miscarrying. I could only have showers in the morning, or if it was still light. I kept hoping and dreading morning would come and someone would find me.

Pregnant women.

Obviously difficult. The first pregnant person I saw after our loss I ran away. Literaly out of the shop.


Difficult as all I can think is ‘I should have a one week old’, but weirdly most babies are totally fine, but toddlers I can’t deal with. I work in an environment where there are often small children, and I will admit to fleeing to the bathroom when a family comes in with toddlers, or I hide in the back room with M and pretend to be super interested in his football scores.

I think because mostly what we imagined for out baby (and having a family in general) was things you’d do with little kids, the age where you start going on age appropriate kid themed days out, like we have done with our nices, nephews and baby cousins. BeWILDerwood for example. I went a couple of years ago with my Godparents, their bio son NH and MH, who was adopted- although he takes a lot after my godfater in cheekyness levels. Wee sod. I read the books as a kid and was desperate to go but never did, so I went with them and it ment that MH could do the baby activities while NH and I went on the BIG slides, and I screamed like a stuck pig and embarrased myself in front of the 12 year old NH who was totally cool about it… As soon as I went I knew I wanted to take my kids. Seriously if you are ever in Norfolk, UK go!

We were also going to take our kids to the dinosaur park we said naively. Imagining a toddler looking at the dinosaurs, as we waited for take home chips and looked at the leaflets on the windowsill. We thought it would be a great place to go when we had a family, and we talked about it just before I found out I was pregnant.

So when we lost the baby we realized there would be no toddler at the dinosaur park. And now toddlers make my heart hurt, because they just seem to represent this great big world of possibility, and the dreams for our baby that are no longer possible.

Babies. You can ignore them unless they cry, move out of their vecinity and try not to make eye contact with their mother, but toddlers, well, they toddle.

They show me their toys and their new top while I’m at work. Or they ask ‘Miss what’s this tree called’ at forrest school, and tell me that ‘I like George better. Like in Peppa’ when I say it is an oak tree.

They ask and they tug on my skirt to say goodbye and go shy if they see me outside of forrest school. They ask if I can come round theirs for tea because they want to show me their train set and make sure I really do know all the right words to the Beatles Yellow Submarine.

I don’t know how Forest school will go this year. I love it. But I have changed since last summer. I have tried to avoid kids for months.

I am scared I will be out of practice, of what I will say if one of them asks if I have kids, because last year I was told by a solom 8 year old girl that ‘You should you know.’ when I said I hadn’t. I said I was too young, and she said I was at least as old as her Mum. Thanks kid… but hate to burst ya bubble but your mum has had Botox. She’s got at least 15 years on me.

The idea of dealing with the littlies scares me, the age range is 3-8 mostly. I hope the kid I one-to-one with is back this year, as I can be hyperfocused on him and it would be totally okay if I only chill with him, and not the smaller kids as that is why they employ me. I have the experience and knack which the other forest school teachers lack. I had to go take a loo break and they had no idea how to keep him occupied so he followed me and it got awkward. I damn near peed myself trying to get the kid back to basecamp where he was safe, and away from the ‘Teachers Pee tree’.

I get it. I help him go pee, he didn’t think it was weird to follow me, but someone was specifically set to watch him for 1.30 mins as I went to the loo. Literally so I could pee in peace, you turn for 10 seconds and he’s off.

I love it though, even if there are no loos bar the designated ‘Pee Tree’, and you sometimes get a soggy, half eaten banana shoved up your nose.

It’s just this year I am bricking it a bit. The idea of being surrounded by that many small children freaks me out. It’s my job. I can’t run away from it, it’s either deep end or nothing. You can’t navigate a school by increacing your exposure to larger and arger amojmts of children. They all sort of swarm and you are left trying to get them to do the Hokey Kokey..

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