Today’s prompt is quiet.
Sometimes I like the quiet, but mostly I am not good at being quiet. I like noise, life, sound. I always have music playing. Turning the radio on is the first thing I do in the morning, and one of the last things to go off at night.
I try not to sit in the quiet as it tends to give my brain too much time to think, but other times I need the quiet.
When we lost Emmet that is what I craved, I would work on the allotment in silence early in the morning until as late as possible, until I couldn’t work anymore, or I would sit in the Lady chapel in the church where it is vast and silent and I could be alone with my thoughts.
I kept my loss quiet, and still do more or less, except here, obviously. I don’t like keeping it quiet, but also, tipping the apple cart just doesn’t seem worth it at this point in my life.
But here I try to break the silence, I try to speak out. I am the one in four, and I don’t think miscarriage should be an issue that is taboo and silent. Yet I also know that I have chosen to be quiet on the issue in everyday life, because of the stigma, around both pregnancy at a young age, being an unmarried mother, and miscarriage.
I keep quiet because of how people react to babyloss. Because the idea of hearing ‘it was for the best’, was and is unbearable- yet because of my age that is how I am supposed to feel.
I am supposed to think I ‘dodged the bullet there’ or whatever, or that because of how early along I was that my loss is less valid, but I don’t. A loss is a loss, and Emmet was as real to me as any of the babies I have held, despite the fact they were no more than a clump of cells biologicaly speaking.
Love and support always,
Surviving Miscarriage Together x