This time last year I was pregnant.

Planning. How to you plan to celebrate a life that was never fully lived? How do I wake up on the 22nd of October and know it has been a year since he was safely inside of me? How do I go through that day. Hell. How do I go through October. This time last …

Tonight

Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so …

Just let me bring one home

Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has …

What’s in a name?

On the 21st my partner came up to visit me at uni and we could be together for the 22nd. We stood looking at the window (admiring our handiwork as we have covered my window with static plastic wrap that looks like stained glass and gives some privacy) I have finally bought a frame for …

Over sharing and bottle stacking

So today the topic of bottle stacking in windows as a competitive uni tradition came up at tea with my flatmates (and their various hangers on who continually congest the dining area with their drunken slovenly and irritating juvenile behaviour) 6 flatmates (and their friends) for stacking 1 against (me) Any of you who have …

The armour is on.

So I am a student now. University life has arrived and I feel a little overwhelmed by it all. My support network is now 2 hours away by car. I have raven blue hair. On the one hand I am glad to get away from the sometimes oppressive nature of my parents household, I am …

Here comes Autumn you orange bastard

Apparently September 22nd is the first day of autumn. And while I would like to immerse myself in pumpkin and leaf everything, I now DO NOT LIKE AUTUMN. Post Oct 2016 loved it. Now ehhhhhh. Nope. Not feeling it. Because Autumn becomes October and I am pretending October isn't a thing. I want to. I …

Strong

This amazing lady is a fantastic mum to her three boys, this post struck a chord with me and I thought it might strike one with you too.

Being My Own Rainbow

I saw this meme today and it struck a chord as it covered babyloss and infertility.

Baby loss and infertility are all consuming and both have the ultimate goal of a (living) baby.

I can recall doing all of this when we were trying for a baby before Toby arrived:

• I knew exactly what day of my cycle I was on without looking at the diary
• I could feel ovulation pains
• I spent every day second guessing the slightest twinge or change in my body
• I would count ahead 9 months all the time
• I put fun stuff on hold ‘just in case I’m pregnant’ when it happens
• I changed what we ate
• I consumed more supplements than they had in Boots
• I thought of wanting to be a mum from the moment I woke to the moment I went to sleep

Those points are the tip of the iceberg…

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