And then there were 4???

Chemical pregnancy.

It somehow seems very different from a Miscarriage.

Losing Emmet was trauma and it hurt, badly. With pain both physical and mental.

I don’t know how to process it. Pregnant but no baby. Emmet, at his gestation had a heartbeat. This pregnancy was just hormones and poor management of the pill leading to yet another loss.

This I regret and I have never once regretted Emmet, only to wish I had done more.

This loss feels different. I didn’t bond.

I felt funny, had no period for literaly weeks and then what felt like a weird period; but lighter while still passing odd tissue, it freaked me out so I just went to the doctors. Blood test. Yes you’re right, but it’s just chemical. It will end soon.

My doctor said I probably only noticed because I know how to recognize early pregnancy symptoms. I just seem to know early on.

Which is In a way good I guess. At least I work it out before it ends.

But yeah. 2 pregnancies.

It ended. There wasn’t the 11 days of hell, where it stopped after 6 and then began again for another 5 with Emmet.

This was just weird. It was almost lighter than a period, but perhaps a little more painful. It was nothing like as painful as my miscarriage in October with Emmet. It just required some pain meds and a lot of sleep.

I don’t feel anything particularly. Just a sort of resignation.

I swore there would never be another. Maybe that is why I can’t let it feel real? It doesn’t feel real in the way it did with Emmet.

Perhaps grief has hardened me? Or I have become hardened to grief.

Are we four now? Do we count this?

I cannot believe this is where we are again.