Dear Emmet and Réa,
Today I started my day with a call from you daddy, which was exactly what I needed, but very early in the morning for me because I was still up by 4am the night before. I went back to bed for a few more hours after that.
I spent a lot of my morning looking in your boxes. I took out each piece, looked at them, and carefully put back and folded each object back to where it goes. I spent some time sorting and organising your boxes. I cleaned and rearranged your shelf, I am thinking about possibly decorating it for Easter, although I think I will wait till next week and do it when your daddy visits. He wished me the best Mothers day given the circumstances, and offered the encouragement I desperately needed to face the day. It was good not to have felt too left behind with this occasion.
I did all of the obligatory phone calls to your Grans and Great grandparents, I was emotionally drained after that but it felt really good to have managed to do it.
I don’t really celebrate Easter, which is now just around the corner, but last year I was heartbroken when Easter came and it was yet another thing I would never do with Emmet, now Réa it’s your first Easter. We’ve done Christmas. Survived that, that was a big emotional gut punch, so Easter should be easier. It’s just such a children’s holiday, it breaks my heart with all the crafts and the egg hunts. I wanted so much to start a painted egg collection with my future children, decorate Easter bonnets and hide eggs around the garden. It is often the little things I find that I miss the most. Things like eater bonnets and spring dresses, and now I know that is not in my future as of yet, I will make the most out of what I have and do what I can. By the time we get to finally bring home a baby or child, I want to have a killer collection of painted egg decorations like I saw in Germany when we visited my family as a kid. In Germany they hang them in windows, on trees and have exquisite Easter wreaths on the doors of the houses. I want that it my home.
I went on a charity shop and antique shop trundle with my friend today in the afternoon. We decided that if we were going to be miserable, we should work with what we’ve got, and be miserable outside and together. There were a few teary moments but turns out my electric wheelchair does steep hill. I did knacker myself trying to get around on my own legs/ butt shuffling about on the floor, my skirt polished the floors nicely! I am still supposed to be no weight bearing, but I am not really bothering anymore after months of this. Weight bearing or no weight bearing my hips are rubbish. So I’m going to experience and explore anyway. No point sitting about waiting for it to magicaly get better.
Antique shops are not designed to be wheelchair friendly; especially not ones up Steep Hill! I did a lot of sitting on the floor looking at books. I did see a lovely vintage illustrated book on prehistoric creatures, which had the Cutest dinosaurs in. I didn’t get it though because I am trying not to buy too many books, but I was sorely tempted.
The lead up to Mothers day was definitely worse than today. Today was okay, I think it was just the fear I had surrounding it.
This evening another one of my friends came round so there was three of us, I made pancakes and apple crumble because we all wanted nice homely carby food. No vegetables were harmed in making today’s dinner. I had a big bowl of weetabix and a banana for breakfast, a sausage roll for lunch, and Nutella pancakes and apple crumble for tea. It was 99% not food I should have been eating, and 100% the type of comfort food I needed. Like I said with the no weight bearing, sometimes I just have to do it anyway and sod the consequences. I want to explore life, not watch it pass my by.
There is something about cooked apple that just smells like home. Your gran cooks and pulps apples on the wood burner in the front room and it smells like apples all autumn. I look forward to finishing the left over crumble during next week.
We have started playing scrabble or getting old books and reading them aloud over dramatically in the evenings. It is a very pretentious studenty thing to be doing, but we all find it very funny. It’s also nice because they both know when I am tired and leave without me having to ask awkwardly. They also don’t mind if I sit in the corner and just laugh as they read or get very competitive with scrabble. Listening to books read aloud is lovely, and I am trying to be more social. It is a lot of work but I am enjoying it. Listening to someone read is about the perfect harmony between being social, but not being an exhausting interaction.
I have a good group of friends I have made at university, and I am very glad I chose to follow this path, but I seem to feel so tired all of the time. I miss your daddy so much. I am counting down the days now until he visits again. Only a week left.
I miss you so so much my loves, I wish more than anything that I could have you with me this mothers day, but it was a good day, I enjoyed moments rather than just surviving them.
I love you,
Mummy xx
Surviving Miscarriage Together 