Dear Emmet,
It’s been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me.
I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick nacks around my flat and bedroom at my parents that remind me of you.
You are everywhere around me, and while I think of you both constantly it isn’t often that I let myself persue the thoughts anymore.
I used to chase them until I fell down the rabbit hole and felt as if I’d never get out again. Then I went to the other extreme and would refuse to acknowledge any thoughts of you, or Réa especially at all.
Reality I found, either way, hit like a tonne of bricks.
I have been working on that. I went to therapy once a week when I was back in Norfolk with Granny and Grandad for the summer, I like to think you’d be proud of me, but then you’d be a one year old. One year olds are not famed for their pride.
I just completed my 100th Mindfulness Session on the Calm App (I am the type of person who has an app for everything, it helps keep me organised enough to function.) I try to meditate every day, or at least do my breathing exercises when I wake up and before bed if I run out of time. I am working on finding a healthy balance between reactivity and non reactivity. Apparently a lot of it is to do with timing and letting yourself stop and take the time out to actually experience life, and everything you feel in the present.
I don’t know if you’d be proud of me, but I am proud of me. I have always wanted to give you and Réa a legacy you’d be proud of.
If I am going to manage that, I need to look after myself more. I am bad at that. I find it far easier to care for others.
Your cousin Skye is so grown up now, she turned one in June. It makes my heart ache when she giggles and dances: I love that little girl with my whole heart, watching her and your other cousins grow up is the most amazing thing, and it breaks my heart over and over for you.
It was a year on from losing your Sister on the 18th of July 2018, Daddy and I went to the Zoo, had a cake with one candle on and ate magic star chocolates. We saw all the new animal centres now the zoo is getting revamped, I look forward to taking your Cousins one day when I finish my studies.
I am trying to set goals. Finish University, graduate, finally live with your Dad full time, take your cousins to the zoo, get a job, get married, and pray like anything out little family of four might grow to a five.
I will carry you with me always my love, no matter where life takes me you will never not be a part of my life.
I love you Emmet.
Missing you always,
Mummy.
Surviving Miscarriage Together 