Green I can't really say why but green has become 'Emmets' colour, and Réaltas is blue. But it has. Enclosed leafy spaces where the light shines through and everywhere is green and bright remind me of Emmet, and big blue skies and starry nights make me feel closer to Reá. I like forests and groves … Continue reading Green leaves
There may never be closure
Will we one day all be reunited? I like to think so, but some days I fear that they truly are gone forever. That my mother was right and that death is final. I envy people with unshakeable faith, a firm belief one way or another. I think there is comfort on both sides of … Continue reading There may never be closure
Just let me bring one home
Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has … Continue reading Just let me bring one home
Spectating room only
Many of the loss mums I first connected to following the loss of Emmet, are, now nearly a year later, pregnant again or anticipating the arrival of a rainbow baby, or are holding one in their arms already. Others have experienced another loss or losses. Only one other loss mum who I have got to … Continue reading Spectating room only
5 happy things 24
This weeks 5 happy things are 1. My brother and his family were over in England from Germany this week in the same area we were on holiday so I saw my older brother, my sister in law, nephew and step niece. It was fantastic! We met up with them twice in one week. 2. … Continue reading 5 happy things 24
I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. … Continue reading Absence
Cafe days and finding E’s
I love the display in this cafe window on the high street where my sister lives. I liked the lettering and took pictures of the E's. Should have done the other letters that are in his name, it could be good to try to find all of them in different places to make up name … Continue reading Cafe days and finding E’s
To which camp do I belong?
So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... … Continue reading To which camp do I belong?
I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week. It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a … Continue reading I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
Beautiful things 6.7.17
A selection of some of the beautiful things I have seen this week while camping in Cornwall ⛺
Day 31. Future #MWAH2017
Future. Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we've been together so long I'm claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human. She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like … Continue reading Day 31. Future #MWAH2017
Day 29. Light #MWAH2017
Light. I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out. Sometimes you need light … Continue reading Day 29. Light #MWAH2017
Tuesday forecast: Crying with a chance of dinosaurs.
Yesterday my Partner and I had a long emotional talk. This week is a shit storm already. Whoop de do, we both have exams and our lost baby would be due. Great... Yesterday I asked my Partner if it was totally stupid that I think of he and Emmet as my boys. Even though we could never know their gender. Turns out he thinks pretty the same way I do about them and so I was Happy/Sad crying half the night. He thinks of them as a tiny boy playing in the living room with plastic dinosaurs.
Day 15. Tears #MWAH2017
This one seems pretty apt today, I did plenty of crying yesterday, and my fair share today too.
Day 10. Listen #MWAH2017
Often after a loss, especially babyloss as nobody seems to want to talk about it, ever, it can be hard to find someone who will just listen without judging. Or listen and then not reply with something stupid or insensitive or just downright cruel.
Today I managed to time my errand at exactly the wrong moment. There were obviously lots of primary age kids, but also a lit of toddlers, babies, prams and pregnant women. There were hoards of grannies shepherding their small charges down the main street to the post office.
Dear Newly Bereaved Parent – Still Standing Magazine
http://stillstandingmag.com/2016/01/dear-newly-bereaved-parent/ I thought this letter was beautiful and I wish I'd had this resource 6 months ago, so I felt it was a good thing to share with you all. Love and support always, Surviving Miscarriage Together x
Ways to honour a loss
Ways to honour you loss. Both on special dates and throughout the year.
Surviving Birthdays and should have beens.
What do you think? http://pin.it/gGl_6Ap I liked this because it wasn't full of saccharine terms like Angelversary, which is always prone to make me cringe. Here are some other good ideas from Still Standing magazine. Ways to Honour your child.
Things can only get better
If you're getting tired of my using song lyric puns for post titles sorry not sorry... It makes me laugh. My sense of humour is dogey and always has been. Bad jokes make me giggle, such as: Q. What do you call a laughing piano? A. A Yamaha-ha... I know. Terrible. Point is I find … Continue reading Things can only get better