Scared to be there again

I spend my life now terrified. I'm scared of loosing another, scared of loving another. I'm scared because I know there is no right choice if I were to manage to carry a pregnancy to term.  Have a child that you know has a high chance of chronic illness or have an abortion. It's an …

Teen motherhood

There's a lot of stigma and bullcrap around Miscarriage and even more about teen pregnancy. The fact my pregnancy and miscarriage occurred in my 18th year should not mean I feel desperate shame and embarrassment but it does. This embarrassment meant that I did not go to the doctors when the bleeding started. It meant …

Rainbow babies. How to live without a happy ending.

Article written by fellow blogger theparadoxmummy in regards to the Rainbow baby troupe for those of us without one.

Limbo land

Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to …

Five happy things 4

Then 'New Human' in the family is a girl and the in laws are calling her Skye. This makes me happy, being able to buy baby clothes with happy thoughts makes me feel like a ton of bricks has come off my chest after the grief of last week/ the last 3+ months. I spent …

Look up to the Skye and see…

Today I found out that my 'sister in law' (sorta. We'll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye. When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so …

Jack Valentine’s

Jack Valentine or Valentine's knock, is a tradition in Norfolk and my family of essentially playing 'ding dong ditch' with gifts on the doorsteps or windows of a house for the kids. These gifts are 'left' by Jack Valentine (or a helpful and hopefully speedy neighbour) for the children on the doorstep every Valentine's day evening. When February …

Piss off I’m just an auntie

My partners brother (henceforth termed brother in law) and his partner are having a baby. People on my side of the family keep teasing me about knitting baby shoes when we gather to watch tv on a sunday with the whole clan together. 'Ohh are you expecting' 'Look someone's broody' 'It'll be your turn soon' …

5 happy things 3

My five happy things for this weeks My in laws are having a baby! There is now a use for ny hopeless urge to buy/make baby clothes  Seriously I. GET. TO. BE. AN. AUNT. AGAIN!(As I now claim all children of my partners siblings as nieces/ nephews as well as kids of my own siblings.)  …

The future, maybe?

​I am doing my best at focusing on being grateful for what I have, and the chances and choices I have, rather than those which I don't.  I know it's not an option for us for ten plus years yet, (i.e. after the necesary goals of or a job and a house have all been …

Ode to health based infirtility

​Mostly I just want to be a mother. A mother with a living, breathing, hold your hand as you cross the street child.  I now have a 20% chance of re-occurring miscarriage due to losing my first pregnancy. Added to that the 13% increace that is associated with severe joint hypermobility syndrome we're looking at 33%. …

Five happy things 2

Harry Potter quiz night was Friday, that was a lot of fun. And I met my partner for cake on the market cross and book shopping in the afternoon which was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for fluffy fluffy pjamas and fluffy socks because they make me happy even when I'm really sick. …

So my health…

This week my health has been interesting. It's the only real thing that describes it. It hasn't been awful, it could definitely be worse, but my digestive system is having some serious moments. This week has not been it's finest hour. I got a bit over tired with schoolwork and my body threw a hissy …

Who I’ve been

We're now at what would have been the 20 weeks point. We would have ultrasound pictures and know what their gender would have been. We'd have been able to feel them move for a while.  At this stage they look human, not like a blob of cells. I look at images of babies in the …

Stillborn support

https://juliasmomblog.wordpress.com/2017/02/01/what-they-dont-tell-you-about-losing-a-baby/

Those out of the blue days…

Mostly now I can feel myself ever so slowly creeping forward to a place where I might just be able to move on, to move forward from this. Not that it will ever not be a part of me, but I cannot and will not let my past define me. I am a mother yes, …

More links and resources

http://www.momjunction.com/articles/ways-to-heal-your-body-after-a-miscarriage_00350190/?amp=1 http://www.momentsaday.com/15-lessons-learned-from-miscarriage/ http://mobile.nytimes.com/2013/08/04/opinion/sunday/the-trauma-of-being-alive.html?referer=http://www.momentsaday.com/15-lessons-learned-from-miscarriage/ http://www.withtearsoflove.com/?m=1 http://www.scarymommy.com/things-learned-after-recurrent-miscarriage/ http://www.scarymommy.com/sister-miscarriage/?utm_source=FB http://www.stylist.co.uk/life/miscarriage http://www.thedarlingdays.com/honor-a-baby-lost-through-miscarriage/ http://www.thedarlingdays.com/honor-a-baby-lost-through-miscarriage/ https://www.momschoiceawards.com/blog/three-things-i-wasnt-expecting-to-grieve-in-the-midst-of-recurrent-pregnancy-loss/comment-page-1/#comment-766?utm_source=pinterest&utm_medium=pinterest_pin&utm_campaign=pinterest_blog Kelly Farley’s book Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back. The film Return to Zero

Coping quotes 9

A little somthing for the fathers. Christian/faith based sentiment. Still sweet.

Resources for men

There isn't enough support regarding men and their experience with miscarriage, so I did a little research and came up with this  This will take you to the google search  Men and miscarriage leaflet the miscarriage association: online leaflet Cosmopolitan magazine article An article form the site 'the art of manliness' is available here. 'Baby centre' …

Little turnip…

You take your joy when you can get it in times like these, and today my joy was, of all things turnips. I got the app notification which now tells me how many weeks along I would have been, rather than tracking a pregnancy.  I originally deleted it to save myself heartache, yet I found more …