If it was that easy I would be there. I know in my brain that logically it isn't my fault. But in my heart, I still feel every day that it is my fault. That I am to blame, that because my foolish heart thought it would be worth it more than once, that because … Continue reading Forgive yourself
5 happy things is back
5 happy things is back. Long story short I was very low, very busy an generally a bit overwhelmed by life in General. I have started University and moved house twice in less than two months as I had a very poor experience in the first flat I was in. I was also dealing with … Continue reading 5 happy things is back
What I have learnt
#22daysofhope Day 18 'What I have learnt' What have I learnt? I have learned that: -I am stronger than I think. -I can love deeper than I ever believed. -Who I truely trust and rely on. -Honesty is key. -That I have come a long way. -That this road does not end. -That it is … Continue reading What I have learnt
Commemorative portraits available
On my buisness instagram @zoe_makes I have started a croudfunding program to try to help more berieved families who have experienced babyloss. If you go to my instagram @survivingmiscarrigetogether you will see loads of pieces I have done so far. I do not charge for these pieces and therefore have had do do digital only … Continue reading Commemorative portraits available
Who I am. 22 Days of Hope 2
#22daysofhope Day two: Who I am. I am Zoe. I am Emmets Mum, I have had one first trimester miscarriage (Emmet 22.10.16) and one Chemical pregnancy in the Summer of 2017. I have genetic based indirect infirtility. I want to adopt in the future, and getting my degree is an important step and one I … Continue reading Who I am. 22 Days of Hope 2
I am whole in ways you cannot comprehend
I am broken but I am not an incomplete being. I am fully human. No less human because of my losses and neither is anybody else. My heart is broken but full. No less worthy. No less deserving. No less.
Who They are
#22daysofhope Who they are: Emmet David Arnold-Peirson, our little flame; and the reason this project exists. He is also the reason why I have met so many of you amazing loss parents. He left us 22nd October 2016 and was due 22nd June 2017. He is our first, and so far only child. Missing him … Continue reading Who They are
Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so … Continue reading Tonight
Just let me bring one home
Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has … Continue reading Just let me bring one home
What’s in a name?
On the 21st my partner came up to visit me at uni and we could be together for the 22nd. We stood looking at the window (admiring our handiwork as we have covered my window with static plastic wrap that looks like stained glass and gives some privacy) I have finally bought a frame for … Continue reading What’s in a name?
Over sharing and bottle stacking
So today the topic of bottle stacking in windows as a competitive uni tradition came up at tea with my flatmates (and their various hangers on who continually congest the dining area with their drunken slovenly and irritating juvenile behaviour) 6 flatmates (and their friends) for stacking 1 against (me) Any of you who have … Continue reading Over sharing and bottle stacking
Here comes Autumn you orange bastard
Apparently September 22nd is the first day of autumn. And while I would like to immerse myself in pumpkin and leaf everything, I now DO NOT LIKE AUTUMN. Post Oct 2016 loved it. Now ehhhhhh. Nope. Not feeling it. Because Autumn becomes October and I am pretending October isn't a thing. I want to. I … Continue reading Here comes Autumn you orange bastard
5 happy things 25
I have been doing this for 25 weeks, not consecutively as was the plan but still. 25 weeks of honouring what has made me happy is a good thing. This weeks hapoy things are: 1. Butterflies 2. Yesterday evening I went to a BBQ and cuddled a 9 week old, deaf Dalmatian puppy called Luna. … Continue reading 5 happy things 25
Spectating room only
Many of the loss mums I first connected to following the loss of Emmet, are, now nearly a year later, pregnant again or anticipating the arrival of a rainbow baby, or are holding one in their arms already. Others have experienced another loss or losses. Only one other loss mum who I have got to … Continue reading Spectating room only
I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.
5 happy things 24
This weeks 5 happy things are 1. My brother and his family were over in England from Germany this week in the same area we were on holiday so I saw my older brother, my sister in law, nephew and step niece. It was fantastic! We met up with them twice in one week. 2. … Continue reading 5 happy things 24
I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just … Continue reading Strange days
5 happy things 23
So this week has been a bit of a mess, ( a big mess for reasons I won'tgo into) but I have been in Bath for the weekend and it has improved my week no end! 1. I was given a C.1886 sewing machine to fix and do up which will keep me happy for … Continue reading 5 happy things 23
I have had a great time in Bath this weekend, but despite that there were a few moments today where I was the #crazywoman crying in the street. The lowdown is this. Birthday cards. I saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland cards and went in, my bestie loves all things Alice and so I … Continue reading Gift Wrap
5 happy things 22
Going to do a few extra as I have been bad at keeping up to date with my 5 happy things a week lately. 1. Forest School was good fun. I genuinely enjoyed my time working there this summer. 2. Nephew cuddles every day for a week. Need I say more. 3. On the first … Continue reading 5 happy things 22