Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has … Continue reading Just let me bring one home
What’s in a name?
On the 21st my partner came up to visit me at uni and we could be together for the 22nd. We stood looking at the window (admiring our handiwork as we have covered my window with static plastic wrap that looks like stained glass and gives some privacy) I have finally bought a frame for … Continue reading What’s in a name?
5 happy things 25
I have been doing this for 25 weeks, not consecutively as was the plan but still. 25 weeks of honouring what has made me happy is a good thing. This weeks hapoy things are: 1. Butterflies 2. Yesterday evening I went to a BBQ and cuddled a 9 week old, deaf Dalmatian puppy called Luna. … Continue reading 5 happy things 25
To My Sisters in Loss
"However this happened, there was an instant connection. There’s a wall that comes down when you meet someone who can truly say “I know your pain”. Someone who gets how hard those initial days are, the holidays, the anniversaries, the anxiety, the secondary losses, and the day to day struggles. You can commiserate and even … Continue reading To My Sisters in Loss
I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.
I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just … Continue reading Strange days
Can I take a nap through October?
In a perfect world, I would have a one month 6 day old newborn in my arms and keeping me up all night. I would not even be thinking about a first birthday yet. Instead I am alert to the fact that although October might seem still some distance off, it is getting ever closer … Continue reading Can I take a nap through October?
I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. … Continue reading Absence
Cafe days and finding E’s
I love the display in this cafe window on the high street where my sister lives. I liked the lettering and took pictures of the E's. Should have done the other letters that are in his name, it could be good to try to find all of them in different places to make up name … Continue reading Cafe days and finding E’s
‘Expecting Sunshine’ by Alexis Marie Chute
Review of Expecting Sunshine: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ I recently read this book, and I found it a spectacular read. Chutes memoir Expecting Sunshine is an open, honest, emotional and touching documentary of her life following the death of her second son Zachary Jonathan Chute very shortly after birth, and of pregnancy after loss. This book is beautifully written, as she moves between the past and the present of the novel seamlessly, with her past experiences melding with the current time of the narrative to create a story full of depth and emotion.
5 happy things 21
1. I held Emmets cousin Skye last Tuesday. She is adorable and I didn't have a meltdown. 2. I spent Monday to Friday with my partner and also saw him briefly on Saturday. Can't wait until after Uni so I can finally share a home with him -and get all of this vaguely long distance (Growing … Continue reading 5 happy things 21
Day 31. Future #MWAH2017
Future. Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we've been together so long I'm claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human. She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like … Continue reading Day 31. Future #MWAH2017
Day 29. Light #MWAH2017
Light. I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out. Sometimes you need light … Continue reading Day 29. Light #MWAH2017
Day 28. Broken #MWAH2017
Broken. I have a thing for broken things. Broken objects. Broken animals. I try to fix everything. I want to go into Conservation of Cultural Heritage, which is basically fixing broken things, oy they are a bit more impressive than re painting my Mum's prized sugar tub. I hate it when something can't be fixed, … Continue reading Day 28. Broken #MWAH2017
Day 26. Love #MWAH2017
Love makes family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?
Not doing great today. It's been 8 months and 4 days. 247 days since we lost Emmet. Mostly I am okay now. I cope fairly well, but today I put aside as a rest day, and I got left alone with my thoughts a little too long perhaps. Also remembered why I stopped watching live … Continue reading Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?
What to do when your friend looses a baby.
A wonderful and informative article from Limdsey from 'a pinch of yum'. Hi, my name is Lindsay. Mother’s Day is coming up and I’m thinking about this a lot because I am that friend. The one who lost a baby. I am probably the friend who you’re tiptoeing around. I might be the friend who has become a major … Continue reading What to do when your friend looses a baby.
Hello the 23rd of June
This is how we parent. This is how we love. This is our life after loss.
Day 23. Ink MWAH2018
Todays prompt is Ink. I have been considering getting 'inked' for a while. I want something to remember Emmet tattooed on my left side, under my heart so that it won't be visable to anyone else unless I am starkers. I either want just his name, or his initials hidden in a wing. I'm not … Continue reading Day 23. Ink MWAH2018
Day 22. Sky MWAH2017
The prompt for day 22 is sky. I didn't get round to writing this blog as I was so bust with our #ForeverLoved Balloon Project which was a real success! We commemorated over 200 babies yesterday, and it was a really good day, I'll write more about it later. When I found out I was … Continue reading Day 22. Sky MWAH2017