Today.

Today is the first 22nd that I have had school. Every other month this day has managed to fall on a weekend or holiday. It had to happen eventually; but why today of all days when there are no free periods and no breaks wherin I could just hide from the world? I was forced …

It’s here again

It's here again. That 1 day a month where it feels like I've been gutted and I'm just a walking shell.  It has been 4 months since we lost Emmet on the 22nd. Every month I think 'maybe this day will get better' and every moth this day feels exactly the same. Every month is …

Limbo land

Warning this is a long mildly ranty post. Sorry x Some days I'm alright. Other days it feels like I died too, they just forgot to bury me. Or else I'm stuck in limbo land, it feels like I'm not really here, I'm not myself I'm just this other. I'm waiting for something, anything to …

Playlist Surviving Miscarriage Together

Updated playlist I find music very comforting, and a valuable emotional release. I find it easier to cope with music. Here are some songs I have found that I found really helpful during and after my miscarriage. * means the song contains religious content, so you can avoid it if this is an issue for …

Five happy things 4

Then 'New Human' in the family is a girl and the in laws are calling her Skye. This makes me happy, being able to buy baby clothes with happy thoughts makes me feel like a ton of bricks has come off my chest after the grief of last week/ the last 3+ months. I spent …

Look up to the Skye and see…

Today I found out that my 'sister in law' (sorta. We'll call her this for simplicities sake) is having a baby girl, and that they plan to name her Skye. When I first learned that my brother and sister in law (on my partners side) were having a baby I was heartbroken, I felt so …

Blue tit on the window

Focus on the happy things.  Today this was a bluetit on the window feeder 😊

Jack Valentine’s

Jack Valentine or Valentine's knock, is a tradition in Norfolk and my family of essentially playing 'ding dong ditch' with gifts on the doorsteps or windows of a house for the kids. These gifts are 'left' by Jack Valentine (or a helpful and hopefully speedy neighbour) for the children on the doorstep every Valentine's day evening. When February …

Piss off I’m just an auntie

My partners brother (henceforth termed brother in law) and his partner are having a baby. People on my side of the family keep teasing me about knitting baby shoes when we gather to watch tv on a sunday with the whole clan together. 'Ohh are you expecting' 'Look someone's broody' 'It'll be your turn soon' …

5 happy things 3

My five happy things for this weeks My in laws are having a baby! There is now a use for ny hopeless urge to buy/make baby clothes  Seriously I. GET. TO. BE. AN. AUNT. AGAIN!(As I now claim all children of my partners siblings as nieces/ nephews as well as kids of my own siblings.)  …

The future, maybe?

​I am doing my best at focusing on being grateful for what I have, and the chances and choices I have, rather than those which I don't.  I know it's not an option for us for ten plus years yet, (i.e. after the necesary goals of or a job and a house have all been …

Ode to health based infirtility

​Mostly I just want to be a mother. A mother with a living, breathing, hold your hand as you cross the street child.  I now have a 20% chance of re-occurring miscarriage due to losing my first pregnancy. Added to that the 13% increace that is associated with severe joint hypermobility syndrome we're looking at 33%. …

Hopeful?

I don't really feel very hopeful at the moment. Actually all I feel is empty and numb and sad. I sometimes feel a bit disassociated with my life. Like there is now way this is happening. Time is not moving on, I can't keep up with it. I feel just a bit 'outside' all the …

Five happy things 2

Harry Potter quiz night was Friday, that was a lot of fun. And I met my partner for cake on the market cross and book shopping in the afternoon which was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for fluffy fluffy pjamas and fluffy socks because they make me happy even when I'm really sick. …

So my health…

This week my health has been interesting. It's the only real thing that describes it. It hasn't been awful, it could definitely be worse, but my digestive system is having some serious moments. This week has not been it's finest hour. I got a bit over tired with schoolwork and my body threw a hissy …

Who I’ve been

We're now at what would have been the 20 weeks point. We would have ultrasound pictures and know what their gender would have been. We'd have been able to feel them move for a while.  At this stage they look human, not like a blob of cells. I look at images of babies in the …

Stillborn support

https://juliasmomblog.wordpress.com/2017/02/01/what-they-dont-tell-you-about-losing-a-baby/

We’re talking about the future

We're talking about our future again, we haven't for a while. We just stopped because it didn't really feel like there was a future. We just moved forward each day and kept our heads down clinging on to each other.  It feels less like drowning. I made a cushion. It doesn't sound like a lot …

Five happy things 1

I thought I would start posting Five things that have made me happy, or that I am grateful for at the end of each week, to try and keep in mind the positive things. Feel free to comment things that habe made you happy this week too. I got on my bicycle for the first …

Those out of the blue days…

Mostly now I can feel myself ever so slowly creeping forward to a place where I might just be able to move on, to move forward from this. Not that it will ever not be a part of me, but I cannot and will not let my past define me. I am a mother yes, …