Personal

I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.

Strange days

I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just …

5 happy things 23

So this week has been a bit of a mess, ( a big mess for reasons I won'tgo into) but I have been in Bath for the weekend and it has improved my week no end! 1. I was given a C.1886 sewing machine to fix and do up which will keep me happy for …

Can I take a nap through October?

In a perfect world, I would have a one month 6 day old newborn in my arms and keeping me up all night. I would not even be thinking about a first birthday yet. Instead I am alert to the fact that although October might seem still some distance off, it is getting ever closer …

Absence

I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. …

Cafe days and finding E’s

I love the display in this cafe window on the high street where my sister lives. I liked the lettering and took pictures of the E's. Should have done the other letters that are in his name, it could be good to try to find all of them in different places to make up name …

Too many moments

(I wrote this 4 days ago and I was really struggling. Today is fine but I had just had one of those days where the grief hit like a wave. ***Trigger warning. It may get a bit TMI in regards to miscarriage.*** It's a pretty good insight into what goes on inside my head on …

‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’ -Emmets Gran

Emmets Gran (EG)- Oh what are you making? Me- Occupational Therapist told me knitting was good, I'm making a cowel scarf, trying to do this checkered pattern. EG- Not another baby blanket then. Me- No Skye has enough I think. Any more and you'll have to dig her out of the blanket pile. EG- Another …

To which camp do I belong?

So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... …

Please don’t ask how old he is- he doesn’t have a birthday…

Ahhh. So it seemed like a good idea didn't it, to open my mouth when you asked what 'Emmet' meant. You, Mr. Well-Meaning-Random-Stranger are a both a blessing and a curse. You have seen me writing my Son's name, but you don't know it's a name because you ask me what it means. I bet …

‘Expecting Sunshine’ by Alexis Marie Chute

Review of Expecting Sunshine: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ I recently read this book, and I found it a spectacular read.  Chutes memoir Expecting Sunshine is an open, honest, emotional and touching documentary of her life following the death of her second son Zachary Jonathan Chute very shortly after birth, and of pregnancy after loss. This book is beautifully written, as she moves between the past and the present of the novel seamlessly, with her past experiences melding with the current time of the narrative to create a story full of depth and emotion.

5 happy things 21

1. I held Emmets cousin Skye last Tuesday. She is adorable and I didn't have a meltdown. 2. I spent Monday to Friday with my partner and also saw him briefly on Saturday. Can't wait until after Uni so I can finally share a home with him -and get all of this vaguely long distance (Growing …

Sandcastles and dinosar wellies

This isn't really my story, it's my partners, as it was his dream. But here I am writing about it so I guess you'll just have to hear it from me second hand as it were. He told me this morning as I woke up  (very slowly, he is a morning person- I am not) …

I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)

I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week.  It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a …

Beautiful things 6.7.17

A selection of some of the beautiful things I have seen this week while camping in Cornwall ⛺

Day 31. Future #MWAH2017

Future. Today I found out that I have a new niece (well my partner does, but we've been together so long I'm claiming Auntage). Skye was born today. Happy birthday to the new human. She has her whole future in front of her, I know I am biased but she is adorable. Definitely looks like …

Day 30. Quiet #MWAH2017

Today's prompt is quiet. Sometimes I like the quiet, but mostly I am not good at being quiet. I like noise, life, sound. I always have music playing. Turning the radio on is the first thing I do in the morning, and one of the last things to go off at night.  I try not …

Day 29. Light #MWAH2017

Light. I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out.  Sometimes you need light …

Day 28. Broken #MWAH2017

Broken. I have a thing for broken things. Broken objects. Broken animals. I try to fix everything. I want to go into Conservation of Cultural Heritage, which is basically fixing broken things, oy they are a bit more impressive than re painting my Mum's prized sugar tub. I hate it when something can't be fixed, …

Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Soothe. Lots of things soothe me. Hugs from my partner, phone calls when you just need to hear someones voice. Post cards from my Grandma, always with serene photographs, the same loopy handwriting we struggle to decode, the same message of love and thoughtfulness in every immaculately straight line of print. Hearing birds sing outside, …