The song of grief

It's been a long time since I've needed to write here, nearly 3 years later after loosing Emmet, and nearly two after loosing Réa I find my grief is usually more white noise than radio chatter or a blasting song. Tonight my metaphoric radio of grief is blasting full force and I have learnt to …

22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.

05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was …

5 Happy Things 4.03.18

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day, like fluffy shoes and chicken nuggets. My 5 happy things for this week have been: 1. Due to the snow days I have spent a lot of time with friends as we're all stuck on campus to gather and it's been nice to be so social. …

22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.

22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, …

22 letters to you. Letter One. Dear Réalta..

Dear Réa, Today marks the first day of march. I have been dreading this month. I wish this was the month we got to meet you. To bring you home. I heard on the Radio Lincoln County Hospital, sent out a request for donations for the Chapel of Rest. They want to be able to …

Tonight

Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so …

Just let me bring one home

Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has …

Personal

I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.

Gift Wrap

I have had a great time in Bath this weekend, but despite that there were a few moments today where I was the #crazywoman crying in the street. The lowdown is this. Birthday cards. I saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland cards and went in, my bestie loves all things Alice and so I …

Absence

I know I have been somewhat absent from the blogging. I have posts half written but I can't seem to find anything left to finish them. Bar this one, but it's more of a 'such and such' has been happening rather than a 'I am feeling' post, which is what I'm currently failing to write. …

Too many moments

(I wrote this 4 days ago and I was really struggling. Today is fine but I had just had one of those days where the grief hit like a wave. ***Trigger warning. It may get a bit TMI in regards to miscarriage.*** It's a pretty good insight into what goes on inside my head on …

‘Personally I wouldn’t have bothered’ -Emmets Gran

Emmets Gran (EG)- Oh what are you making? Me- Occupational Therapist told me knitting was good, I'm making a cowel scarf, trying to do this checkered pattern. EG- Not another baby blanket then. Me- No Skye has enough I think. Any more and you'll have to dig her out of the blanket pile. EG- Another …

To which camp do I belong?

So where do I fit? I don't really fit with the infirtility crowd that I mix with in this crazy club that is the baby loss community. My inability to have kids is not an inability to or a difficuly in achieveing pregnancy (although the success of such a venture is there to be debated... …

Please don’t ask how old he is- he doesn’t have a birthday…

Ahhh. So it seemed like a good idea didn't it, to open my mouth when you asked what 'Emmet' meant. You, Mr. Well-Meaning-Random-Stranger are a both a blessing and a curse. You have seen me writing my Son's name, but you don't know it's a name because you ask me what it means. I bet …

Day 29. Light #MWAH2017

Light. I often light a candle for Emmet, either at home or one of the ones at the church or the Abbey. Yesterday I went to the Norfolk show and made one out of beeswax. It was a deep forest green, I lit it last night and let it burn out.  Sometimes you need light …

Day 27. Soothe #MWAH2017

Soothe. Lots of things soothe me. Hugs from my partner, phone calls when you just need to hear someones voice. Post cards from my Grandma, always with serene photographs, the same loopy handwriting we struggle to decode, the same message of love and thoughtfulness in every immaculately straight line of print. Hearing birds sing outside, …

Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?

Not doing great today. It's been 8 months and 4 days. 247 days since we lost Emmet. Mostly I am okay now. I cope fairly well, but today I put aside as a rest day, and I got left alone with my thoughts a little too long perhaps. Also remembered why I stopped watching live …

A Shakey Faith and baby dreams 👼

Warning: contains reference to God, faith and christianity. If this is not for you, you have been warned.   On to the Blog Post! I dreamt about Emmet for the first time last night.  A little brown, curly haired kid with blue grey eyes. He was wearing navy blue I think,  but the rest of …

Un-birthday

Well. Here we are.  Welcome to hell. Just have to get through today.  Looking forward is probbably the wrong way to describe it, but I am 'anticipating' out balloon project later today. #ForeverLoved 

21st June- pebbles and leaves 🍃🍀🌳🌱

We thought we would be meeting Emmet tomorrow...