The song of grief

It's been a long time since I've needed to write here, nearly 3 years later after loosing Emmet, and nearly two after loosing Réa I find my grief is usually more white noise than radio chatter or a blasting song. Tonight my metaphoric radio of grief is blasting full force and I have learnt to …

The Frenemy

The Frenemy. Mine is Facebook, I use the messanger app nearly every day to keep up with friends and family, but I can't think of the last time I actually went on Facebook unless it was just to untag myself from the random crap my Bio dad calls to my attention. I like unicorn stuff, …

22 letters to you. Letter 8. Dear Réalta

Dear Réa, I think and worry often about giving you and Emmet siblings. Often it occupies a great deal of my mind, I go through every option, outcome, ideal and worst case scenarios. I replay both pregnancies I have had in my head repeatedly. It does not take as long as it should have. I …

22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.

05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was …

5 Happy Things 4.03.18

Sometimes it's the little things that make my day, like fluffy shoes and chicken nuggets. My 5 happy things for this week have been: 1. Due to the snow days I have spent a lot of time with friends as we're all stuck on campus to gather and it's been nice to be so social. …

22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.

4.03.18 Dear Réa, Today I wore my brightest yellow jumper because I was tired of wearing dark colours all the time, and the weather is so grey. Even if I feel rubbish, bright colours make me feel cheerful, and wearing my sunshine jumper was the boost I needed to get me out of bed today. …

22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.

22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, …

Happy 6 months little star.

My grandad once told me a story about a Tribe who believed that when people die they journey high up into the sky, and that the stars are their campfires. Réalti means 'little star' in Old Irish, and Réalta means star. One day I hope to build our own campfire, where nobody is missing and …

My Pretty Peggy guest post.

Here's a little guest post from the lovely and tallented Erin of 'My Pretty Peggy' @myprettypeggy on Instagram.I'm Erin of My Pretty Peggy. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian aging and suffered many recurrent miscarriages for 9 years. Supporting others with a similar experience has become a passion of mine. This gift includes a small …

Commemorative portraits available

On my buisness instagram @zoe_makes I have started a croudfunding program to try to help more berieved families who have experienced babyloss. If you go to my instagram @survivingmiscarrigetogether you will see loads of pieces I have done so far. I do not charge for these pieces and therefore have had do do digital only …

Who I am. 22 Days of Hope 2

#22daysofhope Day two: Who I am. I am Zoe. I am Emmets Mum, I have had one first trimester miscarriage (Emmet 22.10.16) and one Chemical pregnancy in the Summer of 2017. I have genetic based indirect infirtility. I want to adopt in the future, and getting my degree is an important step and one I …

Who They are

#22daysofhope Who they are: Emmet David Arnold-Peirson, our little flame; and the reason this project exists. He is also the reason why I have met so many of you amazing loss parents. He left us 22nd October 2016 and was due 22nd June 2017. He is our first, and so far only child. Missing him …

Just let me bring one home

Desperately missing Emmet but also, I feel so strongly the need to mother something. Anything. Anyone. It is consuming this desire. Unabating. Those feelings just don't go away. I crave having a child to fill my arms. Nothing can replace my boy but I long for the day I have a living child. It has …

5 happy things 25

I have been doing this for 25 weeks, not consecutively as was the plan but still. 25 weeks of honouring what has made me happy is a good thing. This weeks hapoy things are: 1. Butterflies 2. Yesterday evening I went to a BBQ and cuddled a 9 week old, deaf Dalmatian puppy called Luna. …

To My Sisters in Loss

"However this happened, there was an instant connection. There’s a wall that comes down when you meet someone who can truly say “I know your pain”. Someone who gets how hard those initial days are, the holidays, the anniversaries, the anxiety, the secondary losses, and the day to day struggles. You can commiserate and even …

Spectating room only

Many of the loss mums I first connected to following the loss of Emmet, are, now nearly a year later, pregnant again or anticipating the arrival of a rainbow baby, or are holding one in their arms already. Others have experienced another loss or losses. Only one other loss mum who I have got to …

Personal

I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.

Strange days

I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just …

5 happy things 23

So this week has been a bit of a mess, ( a big mess for reasons I won'tgo into) but I have been in Bath for the weekend and it has improved my week no end! 1. I was given a C.1886 sewing machine to fix and do up which will keep me happy for …

Gift Wrap

I have had a great time in Bath this weekend, but despite that there were a few moments today where I was the #crazywoman crying in the street. The lowdown is this. Birthday cards. I saw an advert for Alice in Wonderland cards and went in, my bestie loves all things Alice and so I …