Today I didn’t

#22daysofhope

I have now missed two days of my own project. Day 10-Signs and Day 11-honouring them.

I would like to tell you that today I did a good job of honouring my babies by being the best person I could be, and by being patient with myself and gently letting myself experience grief with a sense of Grace.

By helping others and therefore being a positive influence.

In reality I have painted a rock to act like a grave stone with both names and dates.
I have cried big ugly tears and re lived seeing the tiny bloody blob that was all that was left of my son go down the drain as I screamed in the shower over and over relentlessly in my head.

I have shouted unnecessarily at my flatmates and those who seem to be having a party.
I have bitched about people and sworn at a random driver who came round the corner too fast.
I have been awful company. Done nothing but complain. Cry. Plant Marimo moss ball gardens in an attempt to distract myself and have a breakdown.

I have just felt really low all day. Really low.

I’ve tried to keep busy but everything is catching up with me and I miss Emmet so badly my chest physically aches.

I felt okay for a bit when I was watching pride and prejudice with one of my flatmates because it always cheers me up; but right now it doesn’t feel like a year has passed.
It feels like I’ve been thrown right back into late October and how awful I felt. I just want him back. I never wanted this. I’ve lost two pregnancies in less than a year when I never wanted one. I don’t know what to feel about myself or my body and I miss Emmet.

It isn’t that I don’t want my babies. I would give my life to have them. I just never wanted this reality. I would go through the pain again to have them with me just once more if I could. But I can’t and I am left raw and broken and grieving.

I am exhausted but I know there’s no chance of sleep and I don’t know how much more of feeling like this I can take.
I miss my partner so badly. I miss Emmet and I still can’t quite cope with Réalta.

I’ve just been in denial for too long amd now I am grieving twice over and it is like being bit by a fucking truck.

I actually think being hit by a truck would hurt less at this point.