It's been a long time since I've needed to write here, nearly 3 years later after loosing Emmet, and nearly two after loosing Réa I find my grief is usually more white noise than radio chatter or a blasting song. Tonight my metaphoric radio of grief is blasting full force and I have learnt to … Continue reading The song of grief
1 year and 11 months.
Dear Emmet, It's been a while since I let myself miss you. I try to live out my life as normaly as possible nearly two year on, although I always carry you with me. I kave your keepsakes in a box under my bed along with your sisters, and both of you have little knick … Continue reading 1 year and 11 months.
22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.
05.03.18 Dear Réa, I may have had your brother with me for longer, but I have struggled more with loosing you. For a long time I wasn't even able to comprehend what had happened and that was a dark and difficult time. With Emmet I was terrified, unsure but excited. Pregnant with you there was … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letters 5 & 6. Dear Réalta.
22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.
4.03.18 Dear Réa, Today I wore my brightest yellow jumper because I was tired of wearing dark colours all the time, and the weather is so grey. Even if I feel rubbish, bright colours make me feel cheerful, and wearing my sunshine jumper was the boost I needed to get me out of bed today. … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter 4. Dear Réalta.
22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta
3.03.18 Dear Réalta, Yesterday I felt as if I was coping much better, but I was very glad that the snow meant everything I had organised to do was cancelled so I didn't have to leave the house unless I chose too. My new wheelchair came unexpectedly today and I am hoping it will make … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter three. Dear Réalta
22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.
22.03.2018 Dear Réa, Yesterday I wrote your name in the snow along side Emmets. I couldn't take a good photograph and that was a shame, but it seemed fitting, that it was beautiful and impermanent. I am putting together a bag full of items to donate. I want to make lots of little quilted hearts, … Continue reading 22 letters to you. Letter two. Dear Réalta.
Becoming accustomed to grief.
I am becoming almost accustomed to grief now, and if anything that is more terrifying than when it was all consuming. How can something like this become my everyday? How this is the reality we face is beyond my comprehension. If someone told me I would have two miscarriages, start university, and move house in … Continue reading Becoming accustomed to grief.
Happy 6 months little star.
My grandad once told me a story about a Tribe who believed that when people die they journey high up into the sky, and that the stars are their campfires. Réalti means 'little star' in Old Irish, and Réalta means star. One day I hope to build our own campfire, where nobody is missing and … Continue reading Happy 6 months little star.
If it was that easy I would be there. I know in my brain that logically it isn't my fault. But in my heart, I still feel every day that it is my fault. That I am to blame, that because my foolish heart thought it would be worth it more than once, that because … Continue reading Forgive yourself
Commemorative portraits available
On my buisness instagram @zoe_makes I have started a croudfunding program to try to help more berieved families who have experienced babyloss. If you go to my instagram @survivingmiscarrigetogether you will see loads of pieces I have done so far. I do not charge for these pieces and therefore have had do do digital only … Continue reading Commemorative portraits available
Tonight I am in agony. Tonight I cannot sleep. I want to sleep. I don't want to wake up tomorrow tired and sore from lack of sleep but I can't. Tonight is one of those nights where I am just awake with no end in sight. I miss Emmet so much. I want him so … Continue reading Tonight
To My Sisters in Loss
"However this happened, there was an instant connection. There’s a wall that comes down when you meet someone who can truly say “I know your pain”. Someone who gets how hard those initial days are, the holidays, the anniversaries, the anxiety, the secondary losses, and the day to day struggles. You can commiserate and even … Continue reading To My Sisters in Loss
I speak out because I need people to understand that baby loss is not just something that happens.
It is personal, inescapable, and you participate in that process, in that grief for every day after it happens until the day you die. I am not finding that my grief has lessened. It has grown both easier to carry and harder to bear. Every day you learn how to cope and every day you are faced with more milestones and should have beens and could have beens. Every day I grieve more for what we have lost together, as a family, and yet, it also gets easier. It is a paradox, it is both easier to go in every day and find a new normal, and yet, grief seems to be amplified by every milestone left forever un-reached.
I miss Emmet so much. I keep walking around lately thinking. This wouldn't be happening if Emmet was still here. It isn't the same as the 'I would have had a baby at this age' and 'we would be doing such and such' thoughts. They don't plague me as much as they used too. Just … Continue reading Strange days
Too many moments
(I wrote this 4 days ago and I was really struggling. Today is fine but I had just had one of those days where the grief hit like a wave. ***Trigger warning. It may get a bit TMI in regards to miscarriage.*** It's a pretty good insight into what goes on inside my head on … Continue reading Too many moments
‘Expecting Sunshine’ by Alexis Marie Chute
Review of Expecting Sunshine: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ I recently read this book, and I found it a spectacular read. Chutes memoir Expecting Sunshine is an open, honest, emotional and touching documentary of her life following the death of her second son Zachary Jonathan Chute very shortly after birth, and of pregnancy after loss. This book is beautifully written, as she moves between the past and the present of the novel seamlessly, with her past experiences melding with the current time of the narrative to create a story full of depth and emotion.
5 happy things 21
1. I held Emmets cousin Skye last Tuesday. She is adorable and I didn't have a meltdown. 2. I spent Monday to Friday with my partner and also saw him briefly on Saturday. Can't wait until after Uni so I can finally share a home with him -and get all of this vaguely long distance (Growing … Continue reading 5 happy things 21
I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
I held a baby! My partners niece, to be exact. She was born on the 1st, and I got to meet her on Tuesday this week. It was surprisingly okay. She is cute AF, and I didn't cry in front of anyone or run away, which I was kind of worried about. Or have a … Continue reading I held a baby! (And did other stuff that was not as scarey as I thought it would be.)
Day 26. Love #MWAH2017
Love makes family. Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten.
Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?
Not doing great today. It's been 8 months and 4 days. 247 days since we lost Emmet. Mostly I am okay now. I cope fairly well, but today I put aside as a rest day, and I got left alone with my thoughts a little too long perhaps. Also remembered why I stopped watching live … Continue reading Aptimill you can fuck off, and where can I get more chocolate Crepes?